Texting Rehab.. Top 5 DON'TS for texting and dating

The text conversation went something like this:

Guy: Hey
Me: Hey there, how's it going?
(10 min go by)
Me: Hello?
(5 min go by)
Guy: Hey, yeah things are good.
Me: Great! What have you been up to?
(20 min go by)
Me: ??????
(15 min go)
Me: ??????????!!
Guy: What Up?
Me: WTH??!!!!!!!!!! (I didn't text that, just said it out loud)


The best part about this conversation.... I've had almost the exact same one with several different guys, so claiming ownership of it will prove difficult for them. ;)

If any of you have done this STOP NOW, you come off as an idiot. Sorry to be so brutal, but you sound like a caveman just learning how to speak and we start to think you walk around wearing a loin cloth and carrying a wooden club. And women, if you do this, really not cool.

So here are my 5 Don'ts when texting someone you like:

1. Don't ask someone out for the first time via text- It's tacky and lazy, enough said.

2. Don't have a serious conversation via text- This is something I've had personal experience with and let me tell you, so many things can get misinterpreted when texting a disagreement. How many of us end up with texters' remorse on this one?

3. Don't OVER text- O.k. I admit, I can be guilty of this, but I'm getting so much better! I may have thought, in times past, that texting daily updates, messages or say, travel logs, was innocent and non-threatening to the other person. I may have been wrong about that...But I have learned my lesson.

This really is directed toward those in the beginning of a relationship....hmmmm...well, o.k. maybe at any point in the relationship. If you need to have a conversation that requires in depth feedback from the other person, just call. If they don't respond or return your calls...take the hint.

4. Don't think that texting counts as dating- Dating is an, in person or voice to voice, activity. You can't really get to know a person through texting. Don't think saying "Hey" every few months counts as courting. I know this is the generation for it, but the only way to connect and understand a person is by speaking to them, either on the phone or in person. If you have difficulty with that, marriage will be a huge wake up call. ;)

5. And the number 5 Don't for texting and dating...... DON'T BREAK UP OVER A TEXT!- It's tacky and lazy. I'm mainly addressing this to those of you who have dated the person for awhile. I do approve of quick break- ups via text after a first date, if necessary. The rest of you, have the character to contact the person and be honest with your feelings. It will be painful, maybe more painful to the person breaking up, but it gives the opportunity for both parties to have much needed closure and to move on. Avoid texters' remorse on this one too.


**I hope you see the humor, along with the sincerity, in this. I enjoy texting just as much as anyone, but I enjoy actual conversations even more than that. I am more impressed when a guy calls. Besides, when you hear the voice of someone you like, it's pretty awesome.

Circle of Friends (1995) - PART 3

http://youtu.be/IyPxNVce6ZM


The is follow to the last post.  Had a problem linking it to the last post.  Enjoy.

Erin

Great Expectations.... not so much..

If you thought this was a reference to the Charles Dicken's novel, I'm afraid I have to disappoint. If you thought I would be discussing expectations in the dating world, you won't be disappointed.

I have to confess, I've had some great expectations. In some instances, I've had lots of them. It's hard not to. You grow up hearing lots of advice on what makes a successful relationship. You look at the relationships that influenced your attitudes and behaviors. Over time,expectations form. The funny thing is, I never thought I had any. I didn't think they were considered expectations at all, more like they were part of a universal dating code. Little did I know, having expectations would turn out..not so great.

First, here is a few definitions of what expectation is.

1. The act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. The act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

The definitions don't sound too horrible. Who doesn't like the feeling of anticipation or even more, a prospect of future good or profit. Unfortunately, the definition most common in having expectations is listed at number 1.... waiting.

You know what I am talking about, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the text to show up, waiting for the relationship to start, waiting for the relationship to progress. That sounds like a lot of waiting to me and not necessarily in a "looking forward to" type of way. Expectations have destroyed potential and current relationships because the individual that the expectation is placed on, feels pressure to "make things happen" for the individual placing the expectation.

In order to understand this better, I tried to consider how I would feel if my family always expected me to be in a good mood, or if my friends expected me to know the exact moment they needed an encouraging word from me. I would be annoyed if my boyfriend expected me to look perfect all the time and never have a bad day. I would feel like a failure if my friends and family expected me to say or do the right thing constantly. I would feel like the worst daughter if my parents expected me to call or text them everyday, cause it just ain't happenin'. And it's not because I don't love...it just means I'm human.

So if we don't want these expectations placed on us by our loved ones, why do we put them on those we date or want to date?

I think years of perfect endings in movies, quotes we read describing what a perfect companion should do, well intended advice from girl friends and guy friends, have led us to form great expectations..well more like, not so great expectations.

I can't tell you how many times I have been disappointed by unfulfilled expectations. It feels awful and 99% of the time, I have myself to blame because I created them unbeknownst to the guy.

In the movie "Circle of Friends" Minnie Driver is falling for the leading man Chris O' Donnell. In one scene Chris's character invites Minnie's character to a dance. Minnie's friends set her up with the expectation that since Chris invited her to the dance personally, she should feel special. Minnie Driver gets all dolled up and shows up with the expectation that Chris wants to only dance with her. Well, Chris begins by asking her friend to dance, then another friend and then he asks another girl, all while Minnie is sitting in a booth waiting for him to ask her. As the scene continues, Minnie is progressively getting angrier and more disappointed and feeling crushed. She finally gets fed up and is ready to leave the dance. At that moment, Chris comes up to her and asks her why she is leaving. Minnie, in tears at this point, tells him that she is leaving because it seems he doesn't want to be with her, to which he replies, "I always save the best for last" and he asks her to dance the final dance.

When I first saw this scene, I thought a lot like Minnie did...Chris is a jerk. I expected the same thing she did. Funny how that is. Anyway, looking back at it, if she had gone to the dance with the attitude that she was going to enjoy the evening no matter what, she wouldn't have been so miserable most of the night.

So that's my advice and what I am going to work on doing, having the attitude to enjoy the moment, no matter what. If they call back, text back, like me back, that would be cool but not the expectation. I'm sure it will take some time to get out of the expectation habit, but if he plans on saving me as "the best for last" I have lots of time to practice. ;)

REJECTION..... Thank you!!!

I experienced my first rejection in the 4th grade. He was handsome, blond and had super cute dimples. It seemed that no matter how much I tried to get his attention, he wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship (sound familiar). I thought a lot about what exactly he was looking for (no really, I did) and secretly envied the girls he did give his attentions to. I couldn't figure out what it was that made him talk to the blond or the girl with the wavy curls, but it was quite heartbreaking to watch.

Over the years, I would continue to experience the heartbreak of rejection along with having the difficulty of rejecting guys that fancied me. The interesting part to this, is that, I accepted my own reasons behind rejecting someone but couldn't accept the reasons I was given when I was dumped. This inability to establish a connection between these two statements has been the source of much grief.

Enter in "The Bachelor." When this show first came out, I was pulled in by the fairytale premise like the rest of America. Who wouldn't be glued to a show where you saw the handsome bachelor (prince) seek out his true love (princess) and live happily ever after. But unlike the fairytales, where there is just one to choose from, in this show there were 25. Enter in....REJECTION.

In order for this bachelor to get to his true love he has to reject all the others along the way. It is this element of the show that I think draws in viewers. Each week we saw beautiful, smart, successful, perfect bodied women, pour out their hearts in admiration and love for this guy in one scene and then pour out their hearts in pain when he kicked them off in another scene.

I don't know about you, but watching this take place season after season soon became the therapy I needed to really understand rejection and be grateful for it.

You see, most of these women, in regular surroundings, are probably pretty great. Physically, there are few that wouldn't turn a head. They can hold conversations, they seem to be fun and intelligent. So if that's the case, how does this guy pick one???

That's the secret, who the hell knows why he chooses who he chooses, but he does find one girl through this whole process that gives him the feelings or has the physical qualities he is looking for to make him want to commit.....well commit for a short time...

Here's the lesson learned here. We are attracted to who we are attracted to (think Jake and Vienna, I mean, come on!) Some of us focus solely on physical attributes, others focus on personal characteristics the person has and then some of us like a little of both. It would be great if there was some basic standard to attraction, but I don't think there is. We may be attracted those that are similar to us or we can be attracted to the opposite. Either way, if the person you are interested in rejects you, you no longer have to feel like you were lacking in something, you can now thank them. You have no control over it, either you have what they like or you don't. Just like when you are choosing someone, you like those qualities that make you all giddy inside. It goes both ways. I mean we all can't be attracted to each other, good grief, that would be chaotic.

It's time to be grateful that you were rejected. You don't have to wait by the phone hoping they will call and miss other opportunities. It means that you don't have to change to fit into anyone's ideal. Your personality is waiting to be appreciated by someone else. You no longer have to spend your time being anxious about whether or not you are enough, because you are already. Look at how many of the bachelorettes go on to find their perfect match after their rejections (Trista and Ryan (Ryan is way hotter too)

So if you find yourself in that moment of getting rejected, just remember the title of this blog, it's not me, it's you and give them a big THANK YOU!!!!

What Machu Picchu can teach you about dating

I climbed a really big mountain last week. It was harder than I expected. There were moments that I just wanted to turn around and be done, but I didn't. I kept going up (straight, straight up) until I finally reached my destination.

There I was looking out at the most spectacular view, hardly anyone around, and all I could think about was "where is my damn camera?"

Yup, I had no device to record this religious moment I was experiencing with this mountain. My heart just sank when I realized that I would not be able to capture the beauty I was seeing. I was frustrated for not keeping my camera with me and was getting caught up in disappointment that I felt, for not being able to have proof of my accomplishment.

It was in that moment, when the light bulb in my head went off. I was at the top of Machu Picchu, looking down at the most undeniably magnificent wonder of the world, a place that millions of people may never see and I'm worried about taking the perfect picture?

I quickly sat down on a rock and took a deep breath in. I thought that since I didn't have a camera, I would take mental images of what I was seeing and savor the feelings they were bringing to me. It began working. The frustration over not having my camera was replaced by this feeling of joy. It was a life changing moment. I came to the conclusion that I was responsible for creating magic moments in my life. I have a choice to embrace opportunities and gifts that are placed before me.

If I continued to fester inside about this small detail, o.k. maybe no camera isn't small, but if I let it consume me then I would have missed this most precious moment.

Now, you all may be wondering what this has to do with dating and relationships, but it really does correlate.

There are times, I find, that I get too focused on what I may be missing rather than opening my eyes to what is before me already.

It's easy to feel like being in a romantic relationship is the only way to obtain an all encompassing joy, but the reality is, the joy is already there for you to experience and embrace and it doesn't require that you have someone with you in order to fully relish in it.

I think the quote "You complete me," from the movie Jerry Maquire is pretty classic, but to me, it's a misrepresentation of what would really bring you contentment. It's easy to feel like having a boyfriend or girlfriend may some how validate who you are, but if you focus too much on obtaining that, you miss out on what is already obtainable.

I like the idea of completing myself through my talents, goals and dreams. The only person I need to prove things to is, me, myself and I. I don't need to have a boyfriend to have a fulfilling life.

It would have been great to have photos of the lush mountains and all, but the images and feelings associated with them are forever cemented in my memory.... and lucky for me, it won't need to be downloaded.

Happy Valentines Day

I need to start this off by admitting something....I like Valentines Day. I have to admit it feels great when you are knee deep in love with someone and want to spend hours spelling out "I LOVE YOU" with shaving cream, oreos and gummy bears, on their car. It doesn't even matter if you have someone special in mind, the universe has given everyone permission to be absolutely and unapologetically cheesy and gushy for one whole day, and be rewarded for it!! I love it!

Just remember it's not a big deal if you don't have a "special someone," just like it's not a big deal if you're not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day. The world won't end and you are still lovable. Go give your mom or dad a hug, or go hug your pet. Even more fun...go give that cute stranger a big kiss on the cheek..... wait, ok, maybe avoid anything that could get you arrested.

Have a HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

I know I will.... ;)

Subtle Hints that are actually.. Quite Obvious

"Rejection is only damaging when you start believing you are not complete" Iyanla Vanzant



I actually had another blog post topic in mind but I have plans to spend more time on it, so this will just be a quickie... guys will most likely be ok with that. ;)

The post idea came to me while watching "The Bachelor." To be honest, lots of blog post ideas swirl through my head when I watch the Bachelor, but here are just some things that I want to share.

When it comes to how we love, we may profess that it is so complicated and we try to reason with it. Guess what, love is love. You can't reason with it. Love can get skewed for some individuals, based on their relationships growing up or experiences in life, but for the most part people know when they feel real love. That brings me to my next comments. When a person feels genuine love, and I'm not talking lusting or obsession, I'm talking real love, they want to make sure not to let it go. So let me give you obvious realities to some hints you may or may not see. You have probably have heard them before and your well intended friends have probably told you to not worry about them, but I am going to say, if you identify with any of this.....Worry about it.

1. If the guy or girl you are "dating" doesn't post pictures of you and acknowledge you in a public way.... there is a reason, they know it's short term. Yes there are people who don't participate in media outlets but it doesn't matter. People who are truly into you are talking about you to their friends, family, neighbors, pets, you name it, they want people to know how great you are. A huge, wake up and leave now, is when the person asks you not to post pictures on media sites that were taken of the two of you. At that point, they just want to make sure their other prospects are not diminished from seeing those pics and assuming exclusivity.

2. If you are constantly getting excuses that they can't see you or spend time with you, guess what, you are short term. I knew a couple who each had 5 kids from previous marriages and the man owned his own busines, they liked each other, and you know what.. they made time to be with one another. If you are only getting a few hours every other week, the person is just bored and wants companionship.

3. If they pull the "I'm not ready" card on you super early or when they feel you want more, that is obvious, masking in subtlety. This comment is going to be directed to the ladies because I have learned from experience, if you aren't exclusive after 6 months, chances are you will never be. If the guy begs to have you back, they can have you back... exclusively. Trust me on this. It is ok to date for a year or more but it should be on an exclusive basis. If a guy or girl wants you, they aren't going to risk letting you go and someone else snatching you. If a person is exploring their options, they are dating several individuals on a regular basis. When they find that they want to pursue you more, they will let go of the "other options." That is what love does.

4. If they hide things from you, if they encourage you to date other people, if they are still on all the dating websites (active status).... They don't want to be with you!!!!

Are there instances when the opposite of all these is true, sure, at about the same percentage that I will get chicken pox again.

We know love, it makes us feel great and confident. A person who truly loves and wants to be with you will want to do things that make you happy and you will want to do the same for them. When you love someone, you tell them and show them, even when it's hard.

I have been in love before and let me tell you, I was never jealous of him talking to other girls because I knew you loved me back. He was good to me and sweet and he wanted everyone to know how much he loved me.

Now you can continue to tell yourself that your person is "different" and that you just need to keep being patient and sacrificing your needs and wants, because they will come to their senses eventually....um nope... hardly happens. In fact, you are free to test out anything I have said by walking away from the misery right now and seeing what happens. If I am wrong, I'll buy you a cupcake.

Just think about it. If you are in a yo-yo relationship, get out, do some soul searching, become confident in who you are and realize you deserve to be loved in the best way. Don't shackle yourself to an individual in the hopes they change their mind, we all know what happened with the Mayan calendar prediction.... hint hint.