My friend and I were having a conversation the other day about relationships and break ups. As we were talking, he brought up the "Code". Now I don't know about you, but every time I hear that word, I think of Jack Nicholson yelling at Tom Cruise that he can't handle the truth.
In relationships, the same statement may be true. First, let's define it, (Erin's definition). The code refers to refraining from flirting or seeking a relationship from someone who your friend has been involved with or is interested in. The code conversation came up because I was explaining to my friend how I had just set up one of girlfriends with my ex. He listening to my reasoning and then explained that he didn't think he would be cool with one of his friends getting together with his ex. He felt like the code should be followed, out of respect for your friend...but I disagreed on some points.
I agree that if your friend is beginning to date someone or has established a relationship, then trying to tap in on that is just bad manners, but calling "dibs" on someone or stating ownership of your crush seems immature and ridiculous. I use myself as an example...I had a crush on a guy a while back and felt all giddy being around him, as luck would have it, on one occasion, I invited my beautiful friend to come hangout with me at a mutual event that this guy was at. As I got even luckier...he fell hard for my friend. I admit I was seriously annoyed and quite jealous about this and didn't want to bring her to anything else. But there was a problem, she was a great girl. He had every reason to like her. The worst part was she wasn't doing anything to encourage it so it made it even harder to be mad at her.
After a couple months passed, I finally let go of trying to change his mind or prevent her from speaking to him. As it turned out, she wasn't interested in him enough to want to pursue anything, and I am still friends with the guy (still crushin a bit too). So this is what I learned. We can't control who other people are attracted to or fall in love with. Even if their choice is a bad one, it's their choice. In my opinion (and you can disagree), when we set up a "code" we feed into our own insecurities. I can't tell you how many relationships have been ruined by this. I'm afraid I have been guilty of this on occasion. Just like Jack Nicholson stated to Tom.."you can't handle the truth,", many of us just can't handle the truth that our crush isn't returning the love. It takes a lot of courage to admit that and to move on from it.
One final story to think about, back in my twenties, I had a great group of friends I hungout with all the time. There was a girl who was dating one of the guys and they were a couple. Then the guy moved away for awhile and told his best friend to look out after his girlfriend. Well you can probably guess what happened, the best friend and his girlfriend fell in love. I am sure it was painful, but the guy and the girl ended up getting married and are still together some 15 + years later with 3 kids. So it really can be hard to make a concrete judgement. This is of course, the opinion according to Erin, so I am curious as to what all my single friends think about the "Code." Do you think it should be followed strictly, Do you think there are gray areas?
2 comments:
this is the first i've heard of a code so i don't think its as wide spread as you may think. I like the part about letting go. It defies logic as to how we can love an individual so much that really sees us as nothing more than a casual date if even that. Seems as if it should be easy to let go of anyone that has been indifferent or whatever. But love makes no sense and when its unconditional, i suppose we just have to hurt and hope for the best. I"m a big believer in being brutally honest up front with friends, potential lovers etc. That being said, i think we have to learn to not react at first and give people a chance to prove themselves. How many relationships end for no other reason than someones perceptions are askew? I think there's a grace period in most relationships and it changes with everyone. I dated a woman for 3 months, and if the right girl came along it would have been easy to end that relationship. Why? The damnable facades everyone seems to erect to protect themselves. its nonsense. I felt like dating another at times until,.... she showed she had a heart and wasn't perfect. I fell instantly and no woman could have got my attention. It didn't work out in the long run and was intensely painful, but i would have lost that experience(wish i would have;P) blah blah blah. I think we just need to take a chance, do our best, be honest and let the cards fall where they may. Theres far to much strategizing going on. any how that's my two cents
the code is rubbish. i totally agree with you that preventing two people from getting together because you have (or previously had) an interest in one of them is ridiculous. because you're right - keeping them apart will NOT cause you and him/her to be together. and letting that ruin friendships only hurts you.
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