My Top 5 Resolutions To Improve My Dating Life In 2014

TOP 5



1. To only date guys whose first name start with the letter X or Z, that should improve any dating stress.

2. To change my unlimited texting plan to just 20 texts a month plan. That should keep the mystery alive.

3. To scatter my free weights all over my place, so I know I am being honest when I say I lift weights everyday.

4. To include in all my dating profiles, my height, weight, bmi, daily care chart, 20 year plan, my never gain weight agreement, retirement account info, Mensa application and my position in line to the throne (something like 4000th).

5. And my Final Relationship Resolution of 2014... to figure out this strange this we call L O V E.. oh and eat chocolate.


I'm back, and this is gonna be FUN!!!!

Breaking Up or Breaking Down?

I remember my first real heartbreaking break up. I spent a week at home crying constantly, renting and watching romantic movies all day. Blockbuster almost gave me an "Erin's Favorites" section by the end of the week because of my daily visits.

Let's just say it was a sad sight. I broke down. I did what many girls do. I poured over old photos and the memories of when we first met, the courtship...blah, blah, blah... I wondered if I would ever fall in love again and wondered if the pain I felt would ever go away.

Well I got over it. It took me awhile, but I recovered. If I could go back and tell that "sad me" anything, I would tell her that she would be just fine and find love again. I would tell her that there were a ton of signs that the relationship was fractured way before that final break and I would tell her that the breakup had nothing to do with who she was or how she looked or something she forgot to say. If it was about those things... he was the wrong person for me.

But since there are no methods for retrieving past moments, I get to tell myself and you, these same thoughts now.

Breaking up sucks, no matter if it's one-sided or mutual or even cordial..it can be a sad time for those involved.

We all have different ways of dealing with the separation. Some go on shopping sprees (my good friend calls it retail therapy), eating sprees, drinking sprees and some just close themselves off from the world for a time or even permanently.

Whatever you do to numb yourself for a short time, I would like to share with you some thoughts I've learned from my breakup experiences and ideas on how to lessen or eliminate the break down.

1. It's not about you. If you take to self loathing or blame yourself for everything you did after every break up, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Any healthy relationship is going to have bumps, disagreements..so on, but if you start with the "I suck at all relationships or no one will ever love me" crap, you position yourself into a way of thinking that is detrimental for future love. If someone doesn't want to stick around after 3 weeks, let them go. It's o.k. If they want to be with someone else, let them. Someone who wants to be with you for the long haul and has a healthy and mature perspective on the reality of relationships, will have a desire to communicate and be vulnerable. Someone who isn't, won't. It doesn't mean that you are free to say and do whatever the hell you want and expect positive outcomes, but it does mean that if you have stayed true to your personality, the one that the person fell for in the first place, then you have nothing to be sorry about if they flee. It means you are free to explore better options.

2. There are always signs that present themselves, whether good or bad, in any dating venture. If the person calls or texts you on a regular basis, good sign. If they make time to be with you, no matter the situation, good sign. If they make excuses not to see you, bad sign. If they are constantly critical of you, bad sign. If you can have an argument and still stay together, good sign. If you don't trust them, bad sign... you see where I'm going with this. We can make up excuses for people all we want, but when someone wants out of a relationship they give signs. I also know that there are some guys that I date for fun and others that I have a desire to invest in a relationship with. I don't expect a guy that I casually hangout with to text me on a regular basis or meet my family. If you get together based only on physical attraction, you shouldn't be too surprised when that dissolves quickly.

3. Be really honest with yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've said or heard other people say, they are taking a break from dating or won't date anymore, after they have been hurt. To be honest, I think it's the biggest lie we tell ourselves. I think it's fine to give yourself time to heal from an emotional heartbreak and get yourself in a position to be open to other possibilities, but to say that you are never going to date anymore or seek out love is crap. If a kid gets a D on a paper, would you tell them they shouldn't have to take another test again? No, you tell them to re-group and come up with a better plan or style of studying so they can do better next time.

Love feels great and I guarantee we all want that experience. Just be honest with yourself. You got hurt, it sucked, you need a little time to mend, you will be o.k., you are not a loser, this happens to lots of people, you can try again.

The biggest advice I can give in the area of Breaking Up is.. stay confident with yourself, your talents, your abilities, your dreams and your individuality. Don't prevent others from missing out on you, just because someone else chose to.

We each our seeking different things. If we were all attracted to each other that would be crazy! Just because someone you like doesn't like you doesn't make you less, it just means they are seeking out something different. Don't require someone else to define who you are... it will be a losing battle.

p.s. that guy that broke up me married the right person for him and I wouldn't want it any other way...















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Just Friends.. Part Two

It's that question we wonder about over and over again. Can men and women really be friends? The answer is... yes.

Now, even though the answer is, yes they can, there are some points to think about. First, I mentioned in Part One that in order to be real friends, there needs to be an equality in the relationship. Whether you both agree that you like each other but don't want to pursue a relationship, or you agree that the feelings are purely platonic, in order to keep the friendship stable, both parties need to agree on that.

Why, you may ask? Because if one person has romantic feelings for their friend and it is not returned, it's difficult to maintain an unbiased mentality toward the actions of the person you have feelings for. You want them to like you, you want to be with them. You may be able to stay by them, but feelings with always be hurt. You can deny it all you want, but it's the truth.

I've experienced this several times and each time I would tell myself that I could put away my feelings in order to maintain the friendship. It never worked...well, it did work, but after my feelings had diminished.

So because of this, I have begun being more honest about the "let's be friends" offer.

A while ago I met someone that I ended up liking a lot. At first, the feeling was mutual between us but it soon became one sided as the guy decided not to pursue the relationship. It hurt, but I immediately offered my friendship. I did this because I didn't want to lose contact, I wanted to see him again and if I was really honest, I was hoping that he would maybe change his mind.

Well, he didn't change his mind and even though I was friendly around him and tried to be "just friends", it didn't work. I still had a hard time seeing him with other girls or listening to him talk about girls he was interested in.

So instead of continuing on in this delusional state, I told him that I couldn't be friends with him for the time being. I told him I would be a crappy friend. I didn't want to hear about his romantic pursuits. If I was going to be the friend I wanted to be, I needed to get complete closure first. It turns out, he respected what I had to say and was willing to give me that space.

It took less time than I expected, but I did get closure from that and have moved on from the romantic attachment. I now feel that I can be friends with him and we can sustain mutual respect for each other. It feels pretty great!

I'm not advising that women go out and dump all their guy friends or vice versa. This really is directed toward those who stay friends after dating or in lieu of. The purpose is really to have you evaluate the friendships that have the romantic inequality and make decisions that keep you emotionally healthy.

The second point is, ask yourself why you need to be friends with this person. Is the friendship healthy and balanced? IT IS O.K. to not be friends with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend.. ( My BF Nancy is going to love that I came to that realization). You don't have to be mean about it and you can still be cordial to each other, but if the romantic relationship is really over, it may be more beneficial to severe communication permanently or at least long enough for the healing process to take place.

If you don't know how to start the conversation, you are free to use my line..."I would be a crappy friend to you right now."

Many of us spend too much time holding onto that thing that causes us the most hurt. In the end, the person that returns your love, will hopefully, also be the best friend you need.

Just Friends... Part One

It is always great when you can be around other people that share your common interests. In the dating world, the friends, along with, friendships we have with them, can be our life line and comic relief while we navigate our way towards our romantic ideal. We have guy friends and girl friends. We have our close friends and the friends we see on occasion. There are friends that we share our most intimate secrets with, while others only know us based on occasional encounters. But there is a common theme here. It seems no matter the level in which you know the other person, we refer to each other as friends.

This is how the dictionary describes "friend"-

Noun-A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Verb Add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking Web site.
Synonyms-pal - mate - chum - buddy - comrade - fellow - companion


I think it's important to have a friendship with the person you are dating. I always hear stories about couples who were friends first and ended up becoming romantically involved. I know that one of my best relationships was one were we were best friends first. It's always a good idea to establish a solid base of friendship in any romantic relationship.

Here is where it gets complicated. If you look at the definition, the key phrase states exclusive of sexual and family relations. While I think that you can be friends with your significant other or a family member, being a friend is separate from being a love interest. They work together in the relationship but essentially they have different purposes. Now, the hard part isn't the transition from friendship to romantic love, it's transitioning from romantic love back to friendship. It takes longer.

How many times have you said those words "we're still friends" after hearing a relationship has ended. I've said them many, many times.

A friend is a friend, a buddy, a chum, a pal. Friendship itself is platonic. If you develop romantic feelings, that is separate. Do they work together?... yes, when both individuals want it. But in the case of a break up, in order for a former love interest to go back to being just a friend, there needs to be equality in feelings. If one person is still in love, then the friendship is off balance. It can't be platonic, because one person has expectations for more.

For most platonic friendships, you give equally to each other. You listen to each others problems, you cheer each other up, you want the best for them and the feelings are mutual so it's balanced.

If you have feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way, there is an imbalance and it's hard to maintain unselfish intentions. Trust me, I've been there. My best friend gets upset with me when I tell her I still keep in contact with the guys I dated, where it didn't work out, especially if feelings are lingering from either side. Why? Because she knows that, at some point, feelings will get hurt again through unmet expectations.

If there is a strong physical attraction but neither one wants to pursue a committed relationship, as long as the affection is mutual, you can be friends, though I find they are hard to maintain long term.

So what's the solution? I have a couple. First, be honest with yourself. If you both have feelings that are equal than go for it, be in love, be friends. If you were in a relationship and it didn't work out and they want to stay friends, be o.k. with saying no. I think it's perfectly fine not keep a friendship with an ex-love,if you think there is still an imbalance. If you think time will restore a platonic friendship, then ask for that. A friend seeks for the relationship to be emotionally equal.

The second solution... well if you are tired of saying "just friends", I've given you some replacement terms..


BF- Best Friend
BFF- Best Friend Forever
FWB- Friend with Benefits
AF- Acquaintance Friend
MFF- Mutual Friends, Friend
FWF- Friend with Feelings
FAD- Friend after Dating
PF- Platonic Friends
FHTD- Friends hoping to Date

Texting Rehab.. Top 5 DON'TS for texting and dating

The text conversation went something like this:

Guy: Hey
Me: Hey there, how's it going?
(10 min go by)
Me: Hello?
(5 min go by)
Guy: Hey, yeah things are good.
Me: Great! What have you been up to?
(20 min go by)
Me: ??????
(15 min go)
Me: ??????????!!
Guy: What Up?
Me: WTH??!!!!!!!!!! (I didn't text that, just said it out loud)


The best part about this conversation.... I've had almost the exact same one with several different guys, so claiming ownership of it will prove difficult for them. ;)

If any of you have done this STOP NOW, you come off as an idiot. Sorry to be so brutal, but you sound like a caveman just learning how to speak and we start to think you walk around wearing a loin cloth and carrying a wooden club. And women, if you do this, really not cool.

So here are my 5 Don'ts when texting someone you like:

1. Don't ask someone out for the first time via text- It's tacky and lazy, enough said.

2. Don't have a serious conversation via text- This is something I've had personal experience with and let me tell you, so many things can get misinterpreted when texting a disagreement. How many of us end up with texters' remorse on this one?

3. Don't OVER text- O.k. I admit, I can be guilty of this, but I'm getting so much better! I may have thought, in times past, that texting daily updates, messages or say, travel logs, was innocent and non-threatening to the other person. I may have been wrong about that...But I have learned my lesson.

This really is directed toward those in the beginning of a relationship....hmmmm...well, o.k. maybe at any point in the relationship. If you need to have a conversation that requires in depth feedback from the other person, just call. If they don't respond or return your calls...take the hint.

4. Don't think that texting counts as dating- Dating is an, in person or voice to voice, activity. You can't really get to know a person through texting. Don't think saying "Hey" every few months counts as courting. I know this is the generation for it, but the only way to connect and understand a person is by speaking to them, either on the phone or in person. If you have difficulty with that, marriage will be a huge wake up call. ;)

5. And the number 5 Don't for texting and dating...... DON'T BREAK UP OVER A TEXT!- It's tacky and lazy. I'm mainly addressing this to those of you who have dated the person for awhile. I do approve of quick break- ups via text after a first date, if necessary. The rest of you, have the character to contact the person and be honest with your feelings. It will be painful, maybe more painful to the person breaking up, but it gives the opportunity for both parties to have much needed closure and to move on. Avoid texters' remorse on this one too.


**I hope you see the humor, along with the sincerity, in this. I enjoy texting just as much as anyone, but I enjoy actual conversations even more than that. I am more impressed when a guy calls. Besides, when you hear the voice of someone you like, it's pretty awesome.

Circle of Friends (1995) - PART 3

http://youtu.be/IyPxNVce6ZM


The is follow to the last post.  Had a problem linking it to the last post.  Enjoy.

Erin

Great Expectations.... not so much..

If you thought this was a reference to the Charles Dicken's novel, I'm afraid I have to disappoint. If you thought I would be discussing expectations in the dating world, you won't be disappointed.

I have to confess, I've had some great expectations. In some instances, I've had lots of them. It's hard not to. You grow up hearing lots of advice on what makes a successful relationship. You look at the relationships that influenced your attitudes and behaviors. Over time,expectations form. The funny thing is, I never thought I had any. I didn't think they were considered expectations at all, more like they were part of a universal dating code. Little did I know, having expectations would turn out..not so great.

First, here is a few definitions of what expectation is.

1. The act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. The act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

The definitions don't sound too horrible. Who doesn't like the feeling of anticipation or even more, a prospect of future good or profit. Unfortunately, the definition most common in having expectations is listed at number 1.... waiting.

You know what I am talking about, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the text to show up, waiting for the relationship to start, waiting for the relationship to progress. That sounds like a lot of waiting to me and not necessarily in a "looking forward to" type of way. Expectations have destroyed potential and current relationships because the individual that the expectation is placed on, feels pressure to "make things happen" for the individual placing the expectation.

In order to understand this better, I tried to consider how I would feel if my family always expected me to be in a good mood, or if my friends expected me to know the exact moment they needed an encouraging word from me. I would be annoyed if my boyfriend expected me to look perfect all the time and never have a bad day. I would feel like a failure if my friends and family expected me to say or do the right thing constantly. I would feel like the worst daughter if my parents expected me to call or text them everyday, cause it just ain't happenin'. And it's not because I don't love...it just means I'm human.

So if we don't want these expectations placed on us by our loved ones, why do we put them on those we date or want to date?

I think years of perfect endings in movies, quotes we read describing what a perfect companion should do, well intended advice from girl friends and guy friends, have led us to form great expectations..well more like, not so great expectations.

I can't tell you how many times I have been disappointed by unfulfilled expectations. It feels awful and 99% of the time, I have myself to blame because I created them unbeknownst to the guy.

In the movie "Circle of Friends" Minnie Driver is falling for the leading man Chris O' Donnell. In one scene Chris's character invites Minnie's character to a dance. Minnie's friends set her up with the expectation that since Chris invited her to the dance personally, she should feel special. Minnie Driver gets all dolled up and shows up with the expectation that Chris wants to only dance with her. Well, Chris begins by asking her friend to dance, then another friend and then he asks another girl, all while Minnie is sitting in a booth waiting for him to ask her. As the scene continues, Minnie is progressively getting angrier and more disappointed and feeling crushed. She finally gets fed up and is ready to leave the dance. At that moment, Chris comes up to her and asks her why she is leaving. Minnie, in tears at this point, tells him that she is leaving because it seems he doesn't want to be with her, to which he replies, "I always save the best for last" and he asks her to dance the final dance.

When I first saw this scene, I thought a lot like Minnie did...Chris is a jerk. I expected the same thing she did. Funny how that is. Anyway, looking back at it, if she had gone to the dance with the attitude that she was going to enjoy the evening no matter what, she wouldn't have been so miserable most of the night.

So that's my advice and what I am going to work on doing, having the attitude to enjoy the moment, no matter what. If they call back, text back, like me back, that would be cool but not the expectation. I'm sure it will take some time to get out of the expectation habit, but if he plans on saving me as "the best for last" I have lots of time to practice. ;)