Just Friends.. Part Two

It's that question we wonder about over and over again. Can men and women really be friends? The answer is... yes.

Now, even though the answer is, yes they can, there are some points to think about. First, I mentioned in Part One that in order to be real friends, there needs to be an equality in the relationship. Whether you both agree that you like each other but don't want to pursue a relationship, or you agree that the feelings are purely platonic, in order to keep the friendship stable, both parties need to agree on that.

Why, you may ask? Because if one person has romantic feelings for their friend and it is not returned, it's difficult to maintain an unbiased mentality toward the actions of the person you have feelings for. You want them to like you, you want to be with them. You may be able to stay by them, but feelings with always be hurt. You can deny it all you want, but it's the truth.

I've experienced this several times and each time I would tell myself that I could put away my feelings in order to maintain the friendship. It never worked...well, it did work, but after my feelings had diminished.

So because of this, I have begun being more honest about the "let's be friends" offer.

A while ago I met someone that I ended up liking a lot. At first, the feeling was mutual between us but it soon became one sided as the guy decided not to pursue the relationship. It hurt, but I immediately offered my friendship. I did this because I didn't want to lose contact, I wanted to see him again and if I was really honest, I was hoping that he would maybe change his mind.

Well, he didn't change his mind and even though I was friendly around him and tried to be "just friends", it didn't work. I still had a hard time seeing him with other girls or listening to him talk about girls he was interested in.

So instead of continuing on in this delusional state, I told him that I couldn't be friends with him for the time being. I told him I would be a crappy friend. I didn't want to hear about his romantic pursuits. If I was going to be the friend I wanted to be, I needed to get complete closure first. It turns out, he respected what I had to say and was willing to give me that space.

It took less time than I expected, but I did get closure from that and have moved on from the romantic attachment. I now feel that I can be friends with him and we can sustain mutual respect for each other. It feels pretty great!

I'm not advising that women go out and dump all their guy friends or vice versa. This really is directed toward those who stay friends after dating or in lieu of. The purpose is really to have you evaluate the friendships that have the romantic inequality and make decisions that keep you emotionally healthy.

The second point is, ask yourself why you need to be friends with this person. Is the friendship healthy and balanced? IT IS O.K. to not be friends with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend.. ( My BF Nancy is going to love that I came to that realization). You don't have to be mean about it and you can still be cordial to each other, but if the romantic relationship is really over, it may be more beneficial to severe communication permanently or at least long enough for the healing process to take place.

If you don't know how to start the conversation, you are free to use my line..."I would be a crappy friend to you right now."

Many of us spend too much time holding onto that thing that causes us the most hurt. In the end, the person that returns your love, will hopefully, also be the best friend you need.

Just Friends... Part One

It is always great when you can be around other people that share your common interests. In the dating world, the friends, along with, friendships we have with them, can be our life line and comic relief while we navigate our way towards our romantic ideal. We have guy friends and girl friends. We have our close friends and the friends we see on occasion. There are friends that we share our most intimate secrets with, while others only know us based on occasional encounters. But there is a common theme here. It seems no matter the level in which you know the other person, we refer to each other as friends.

This is how the dictionary describes "friend"-

Noun-A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Verb Add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking Web site.
Synonyms-pal - mate - chum - buddy - comrade - fellow - companion


I think it's important to have a friendship with the person you are dating. I always hear stories about couples who were friends first and ended up becoming romantically involved. I know that one of my best relationships was one were we were best friends first. It's always a good idea to establish a solid base of friendship in any romantic relationship.

Here is where it gets complicated. If you look at the definition, the key phrase states exclusive of sexual and family relations. While I think that you can be friends with your significant other or a family member, being a friend is separate from being a love interest. They work together in the relationship but essentially they have different purposes. Now, the hard part isn't the transition from friendship to romantic love, it's transitioning from romantic love back to friendship. It takes longer.

How many times have you said those words "we're still friends" after hearing a relationship has ended. I've said them many, many times.

A friend is a friend, a buddy, a chum, a pal. Friendship itself is platonic. If you develop romantic feelings, that is separate. Do they work together?... yes, when both individuals want it. But in the case of a break up, in order for a former love interest to go back to being just a friend, there needs to be equality in feelings. If one person is still in love, then the friendship is off balance. It can't be platonic, because one person has expectations for more.

For most platonic friendships, you give equally to each other. You listen to each others problems, you cheer each other up, you want the best for them and the feelings are mutual so it's balanced.

If you have feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way, there is an imbalance and it's hard to maintain unselfish intentions. Trust me, I've been there. My best friend gets upset with me when I tell her I still keep in contact with the guys I dated, where it didn't work out, especially if feelings are lingering from either side. Why? Because she knows that, at some point, feelings will get hurt again through unmet expectations.

If there is a strong physical attraction but neither one wants to pursue a committed relationship, as long as the affection is mutual, you can be friends, though I find they are hard to maintain long term.

So what's the solution? I have a couple. First, be honest with yourself. If you both have feelings that are equal than go for it, be in love, be friends. If you were in a relationship and it didn't work out and they want to stay friends, be o.k. with saying no. I think it's perfectly fine not keep a friendship with an ex-love,if you think there is still an imbalance. If you think time will restore a platonic friendship, then ask for that. A friend seeks for the relationship to be emotionally equal.

The second solution... well if you are tired of saying "just friends", I've given you some replacement terms..


BF- Best Friend
BFF- Best Friend Forever
FWB- Friend with Benefits
AF- Acquaintance Friend
MFF- Mutual Friends, Friend
FWF- Friend with Feelings
FAD- Friend after Dating
PF- Platonic Friends
FHTD- Friends hoping to Date