Great Expectations.... not so much..

If you thought this was a reference to the Charles Dicken's novel, I'm afraid I have to disappoint. If you thought I would be discussing expectations in the dating world, you won't be disappointed.

I have to confess, I've had some great expectations. In some instances, I've had lots of them. It's hard not to. You grow up hearing lots of advice on what makes a successful relationship. You look at the relationships that influenced your attitudes and behaviors. Over time,expectations form. The funny thing is, I never thought I had any. I didn't think they were considered expectations at all, more like they were part of a universal dating code. Little did I know, having expectations would turn out..not so great.

First, here is a few definitions of what expectation is.

1. The act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. The act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

The definitions don't sound too horrible. Who doesn't like the feeling of anticipation or even more, a prospect of future good or profit. Unfortunately, the definition most common in having expectations is listed at number 1.... waiting.

You know what I am talking about, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the text to show up, waiting for the relationship to start, waiting for the relationship to progress. That sounds like a lot of waiting to me and not necessarily in a "looking forward to" type of way. Expectations have destroyed potential and current relationships because the individual that the expectation is placed on, feels pressure to "make things happen" for the individual placing the expectation.

In order to understand this better, I tried to consider how I would feel if my family always expected me to be in a good mood, or if my friends expected me to know the exact moment they needed an encouraging word from me. I would be annoyed if my boyfriend expected me to look perfect all the time and never have a bad day. I would feel like a failure if my friends and family expected me to say or do the right thing constantly. I would feel like the worst daughter if my parents expected me to call or text them everyday, cause it just ain't happenin'. And it's not because I don't love...it just means I'm human.

So if we don't want these expectations placed on us by our loved ones, why do we put them on those we date or want to date?

I think years of perfect endings in movies, quotes we read describing what a perfect companion should do, well intended advice from girl friends and guy friends, have led us to form great expectations..well more like, not so great expectations.

I can't tell you how many times I have been disappointed by unfulfilled expectations. It feels awful and 99% of the time, I have myself to blame because I created them unbeknownst to the guy.

In the movie "Circle of Friends" Minnie Driver is falling for the leading man Chris O' Donnell. In one scene Chris's character invites Minnie's character to a dance. Minnie's friends set her up with the expectation that since Chris invited her to the dance personally, she should feel special. Minnie Driver gets all dolled up and shows up with the expectation that Chris wants to only dance with her. Well, Chris begins by asking her friend to dance, then another friend and then he asks another girl, all while Minnie is sitting in a booth waiting for him to ask her. As the scene continues, Minnie is progressively getting angrier and more disappointed and feeling crushed. She finally gets fed up and is ready to leave the dance. At that moment, Chris comes up to her and asks her why she is leaving. Minnie, in tears at this point, tells him that she is leaving because it seems he doesn't want to be with her, to which he replies, "I always save the best for last" and he asks her to dance the final dance.

When I first saw this scene, I thought a lot like Minnie did...Chris is a jerk. I expected the same thing she did. Funny how that is. Anyway, looking back at it, if she had gone to the dance with the attitude that she was going to enjoy the evening no matter what, she wouldn't have been so miserable most of the night.

So that's my advice and what I am going to work on doing, having the attitude to enjoy the moment, no matter what. If they call back, text back, like me back, that would be cool but not the expectation. I'm sure it will take some time to get out of the expectation habit, but if he plans on saving me as "the best for last" I have lots of time to practice. ;)