I remember my first real heartbreaking break up. I spent a week at home crying constantly, renting and watching romantic movies all day. Blockbuster almost gave me an "Erin's Favorites" section by the end of the week because of my daily visits.
Let's just say it was a sad sight. I broke down. I did what many girls do. I poured over old photos and the memories of when we first met, the courtship...blah, blah, blah... I wondered if I would ever fall in love again and wondered if the pain I felt would ever go away.
Well I got over it. It took me awhile, but I recovered. If I could go back and tell that "sad me" anything, I would tell her that she would be just fine and find love again. I would tell her that there were a ton of signs that the relationship was fractured way before that final break and I would tell her that the breakup had nothing to do with who she was or how she looked or something she forgot to say. If it was about those things... he was the wrong person for me.
But since there are no methods for retrieving past moments, I get to tell myself and you, these same thoughts now.
Breaking up sucks, no matter if it's one-sided or mutual or even cordial..it can be a sad time for those involved.
We all have different ways of dealing with the separation. Some go on shopping sprees (my good friend calls it retail therapy), eating sprees, drinking sprees and some just close themselves off from the world for a time or even permanently.
Whatever you do to numb yourself for a short time, I would like to share with you some thoughts I've learned from my breakup experiences and ideas on how to lessen or eliminate the break down.
1. It's not about you. If you take to self loathing or blame yourself for everything you did after every break up, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Any healthy relationship is going to have bumps, disagreements..so on, but if you start with the "I suck at all relationships or no one will ever love me" crap, you position yourself into a way of thinking that is detrimental for future love. If someone doesn't want to stick around after 3 weeks, let them go. It's o.k. If they want to be with someone else, let them. Someone who wants to be with you for the long haul and has a healthy and mature perspective on the reality of relationships, will have a desire to communicate and be vulnerable. Someone who isn't, won't. It doesn't mean that you are free to say and do whatever the hell you want and expect positive outcomes, but it does mean that if you have stayed true to your personality, the one that the person fell for in the first place, then you have nothing to be sorry about if they flee. It means you are free to explore better options.
2. There are always signs that present themselves, whether good or bad, in any dating venture. If the person calls or texts you on a regular basis, good sign. If they make time to be with you, no matter the situation, good sign. If they make excuses not to see you, bad sign. If they are constantly critical of you, bad sign. If you can have an argument and still stay together, good sign. If you don't trust them, bad sign... you see where I'm going with this. We can make up excuses for people all we want, but when someone wants out of a relationship they give signs. I also know that there are some guys that I date for fun and others that I have a desire to invest in a relationship with. I don't expect a guy that I casually hangout with to text me on a regular basis or meet my family. If you get together based only on physical attraction, you shouldn't be too surprised when that dissolves quickly.
3. Be really honest with yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've said or heard other people say, they are taking a break from dating or won't date anymore, after they have been hurt. To be honest, I think it's the biggest lie we tell ourselves. I think it's fine to give yourself time to heal from an emotional heartbreak and get yourself in a position to be open to other possibilities, but to say that you are never going to date anymore or seek out love is crap. If a kid gets a D on a paper, would you tell them they shouldn't have to take another test again? No, you tell them to re-group and come up with a better plan or style of studying so they can do better next time.
Love feels great and I guarantee we all want that experience. Just be honest with yourself. You got hurt, it sucked, you need a little time to mend, you will be o.k., you are not a loser, this happens to lots of people, you can try again.
The biggest advice I can give in the area of Breaking Up is.. stay confident with yourself, your talents, your abilities, your dreams and your individuality. Don't prevent others from missing out on you, just because someone else chose to.
We each our seeking different things. If we were all attracted to each other that would be crazy! Just because someone you like doesn't like you doesn't make you less, it just means they are seeking out something different. Don't require someone else to define who you are... it will be a losing battle.
p.s. that guy that broke up me married the right person for him and I wouldn't want it any other way...
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