It is always great when you can be around other people that share your common interests. In the dating world, the friends, along with, friendships we have with them, can be our life line and comic relief while we navigate our way towards our romantic ideal. We have guy friends and girl friends. We have our close friends and the friends we see on occasion. There are friends that we share our most intimate secrets with, while others only know us based on occasional encounters. But there is a common theme here. It seems no matter the level in which you know the other person, we refer to each other as friends.
This is how the dictionary describes "friend"-
Noun-A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Verb Add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking Web site.
Synonyms-pal - mate - chum - buddy - comrade - fellow - companion
I think it's important to have a friendship with the person you are dating. I always hear stories about couples who were friends first and ended up becoming romantically involved. I know that one of my best relationships was one were we were best friends first. It's always a good idea to establish a solid base of friendship in any romantic relationship.
Here is where it gets complicated. If you look at the definition, the key phrase states exclusive of sexual and family relations. While I think that you can be friends with your significant other or a family member, being a friend is separate from being a love interest. They work together in the relationship but essentially they have different purposes. Now, the hard part isn't the transition from friendship to romantic love, it's transitioning from romantic love back to friendship. It takes longer.
How many times have you said those words "we're still friends" after hearing a relationship has ended. I've said them many, many times.
A friend is a friend, a buddy, a chum, a pal. Friendship itself is platonic. If you develop romantic feelings, that is separate. Do they work together?... yes, when both individuals want it. But in the case of a break up, in order for a former love interest to go back to being just a friend, there needs to be equality in feelings. If one person is still in love, then the friendship is off balance. It can't be platonic, because one person has expectations for more.
For most platonic friendships, you give equally to each other. You listen to each others problems, you cheer each other up, you want the best for them and the feelings are mutual so it's balanced.
If you have feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way, there is an imbalance and it's hard to maintain unselfish intentions. Trust me, I've been there. My best friend gets upset with me when I tell her I still keep in contact with the guys I dated, where it didn't work out, especially if feelings are lingering from either side. Why? Because she knows that, at some point, feelings will get hurt again through unmet expectations.
If there is a strong physical attraction but neither one wants to pursue a committed relationship, as long as the affection is mutual, you can be friends, though I find they are hard to maintain long term.
So what's the solution? I have a couple. First, be honest with yourself. If you both have feelings that are equal than go for it, be in love, be friends. If you were in a relationship and it didn't work out and they want to stay friends, be o.k. with saying no. I think it's perfectly fine not keep a friendship with an ex-love,if you think there is still an imbalance. If you think time will restore a platonic friendship, then ask for that. A friend seeks for the relationship to be emotionally equal.
The second solution... well if you are tired of saying "just friends", I've given you some replacement terms..
BF- Best Friend
BFF- Best Friend Forever
FWB- Friend with Benefits
AF- Acquaintance Friend
MFF- Mutual Friends, Friend
FWF- Friend with Feelings
FAD- Friend after Dating
PF- Platonic Friends
FHTD- Friends hoping to Date
1 comment:
This topic fascinates me and I agreed with all your points and advice. Im stuck on how to know whrn friendship is real and when it is not. We all know and can list wonderful qualities that we know friends should be, but how is it that our "friends" hurt us more than strangers do? What brings us to surrender and vulnerability so that our friends can harm us like so often they do? Is it the fragile state we must be in for true friendship to grow the necesssary roots of trust that leaves us unprotected? Is it the failable nature if man? Is it the weakness within that means each of us must hurt and be hurt in order to learn and respect the sensitive nuances of true friendship? --- And slightly less deep- why is that The Friendzone is such a popular place to stick folks we arent wanting love with? Is that healthy? If feelings linger and they always do; should we torture the hearts of thiae with unmet expectations just because we dont want to be completely honest amd tell them goodbye? Or is there a positive reason to let broken hearts be contiually reminded of what they lost or were denied? Oh the irony of a life sentence in The Friendzone. Ha ha- great article Erin!
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