Breaking Up or Breaking Down?

I remember my first real heartbreaking break up. I spent a week at home crying constantly, renting and watching romantic movies all day. Blockbuster almost gave me an "Erin's Favorites" section by the end of the week because of my daily visits.

Let's just say it was a sad sight. I broke down. I did what many girls do. I poured over old photos and the memories of when we first met, the courtship...blah, blah, blah... I wondered if I would ever fall in love again and wondered if the pain I felt would ever go away.

Well I got over it. It took me awhile, but I recovered. If I could go back and tell that "sad me" anything, I would tell her that she would be just fine and find love again. I would tell her that there were a ton of signs that the relationship was fractured way before that final break and I would tell her that the breakup had nothing to do with who she was or how she looked or something she forgot to say. If it was about those things... he was the wrong person for me.

But since there are no methods for retrieving past moments, I get to tell myself and you, these same thoughts now.

Breaking up sucks, no matter if it's one-sided or mutual or even cordial..it can be a sad time for those involved.

We all have different ways of dealing with the separation. Some go on shopping sprees (my good friend calls it retail therapy), eating sprees, drinking sprees and some just close themselves off from the world for a time or even permanently.

Whatever you do to numb yourself for a short time, I would like to share with you some thoughts I've learned from my breakup experiences and ideas on how to lessen or eliminate the break down.

1. It's not about you. If you take to self loathing or blame yourself for everything you did after every break up, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Any healthy relationship is going to have bumps, disagreements..so on, but if you start with the "I suck at all relationships or no one will ever love me" crap, you position yourself into a way of thinking that is detrimental for future love. If someone doesn't want to stick around after 3 weeks, let them go. It's o.k. If they want to be with someone else, let them. Someone who wants to be with you for the long haul and has a healthy and mature perspective on the reality of relationships, will have a desire to communicate and be vulnerable. Someone who isn't, won't. It doesn't mean that you are free to say and do whatever the hell you want and expect positive outcomes, but it does mean that if you have stayed true to your personality, the one that the person fell for in the first place, then you have nothing to be sorry about if they flee. It means you are free to explore better options.

2. There are always signs that present themselves, whether good or bad, in any dating venture. If the person calls or texts you on a regular basis, good sign. If they make time to be with you, no matter the situation, good sign. If they make excuses not to see you, bad sign. If they are constantly critical of you, bad sign. If you can have an argument and still stay together, good sign. If you don't trust them, bad sign... you see where I'm going with this. We can make up excuses for people all we want, but when someone wants out of a relationship they give signs. I also know that there are some guys that I date for fun and others that I have a desire to invest in a relationship with. I don't expect a guy that I casually hangout with to text me on a regular basis or meet my family. If you get together based only on physical attraction, you shouldn't be too surprised when that dissolves quickly.

3. Be really honest with yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've said or heard other people say, they are taking a break from dating or won't date anymore, after they have been hurt. To be honest, I think it's the biggest lie we tell ourselves. I think it's fine to give yourself time to heal from an emotional heartbreak and get yourself in a position to be open to other possibilities, but to say that you are never going to date anymore or seek out love is crap. If a kid gets a D on a paper, would you tell them they shouldn't have to take another test again? No, you tell them to re-group and come up with a better plan or style of studying so they can do better next time.

Love feels great and I guarantee we all want that experience. Just be honest with yourself. You got hurt, it sucked, you need a little time to mend, you will be o.k., you are not a loser, this happens to lots of people, you can try again.

The biggest advice I can give in the area of Breaking Up is.. stay confident with yourself, your talents, your abilities, your dreams and your individuality. Don't prevent others from missing out on you, just because someone else chose to.

We each our seeking different things. If we were all attracted to each other that would be crazy! Just because someone you like doesn't like you doesn't make you less, it just means they are seeking out something different. Don't require someone else to define who you are... it will be a losing battle.

p.s. that guy that broke up me married the right person for him and I wouldn't want it any other way...















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Just Friends.. Part Two

It's that question we wonder about over and over again. Can men and women really be friends? The answer is... yes.

Now, even though the answer is, yes they can, there are some points to think about. First, I mentioned in Part One that in order to be real friends, there needs to be an equality in the relationship. Whether you both agree that you like each other but don't want to pursue a relationship, or you agree that the feelings are purely platonic, in order to keep the friendship stable, both parties need to agree on that.

Why, you may ask? Because if one person has romantic feelings for their friend and it is not returned, it's difficult to maintain an unbiased mentality toward the actions of the person you have feelings for. You want them to like you, you want to be with them. You may be able to stay by them, but feelings with always be hurt. You can deny it all you want, but it's the truth.

I've experienced this several times and each time I would tell myself that I could put away my feelings in order to maintain the friendship. It never worked...well, it did work, but after my feelings had diminished.

So because of this, I have begun being more honest about the "let's be friends" offer.

A while ago I met someone that I ended up liking a lot. At first, the feeling was mutual between us but it soon became one sided as the guy decided not to pursue the relationship. It hurt, but I immediately offered my friendship. I did this because I didn't want to lose contact, I wanted to see him again and if I was really honest, I was hoping that he would maybe change his mind.

Well, he didn't change his mind and even though I was friendly around him and tried to be "just friends", it didn't work. I still had a hard time seeing him with other girls or listening to him talk about girls he was interested in.

So instead of continuing on in this delusional state, I told him that I couldn't be friends with him for the time being. I told him I would be a crappy friend. I didn't want to hear about his romantic pursuits. If I was going to be the friend I wanted to be, I needed to get complete closure first. It turns out, he respected what I had to say and was willing to give me that space.

It took less time than I expected, but I did get closure from that and have moved on from the romantic attachment. I now feel that I can be friends with him and we can sustain mutual respect for each other. It feels pretty great!

I'm not advising that women go out and dump all their guy friends or vice versa. This really is directed toward those who stay friends after dating or in lieu of. The purpose is really to have you evaluate the friendships that have the romantic inequality and make decisions that keep you emotionally healthy.

The second point is, ask yourself why you need to be friends with this person. Is the friendship healthy and balanced? IT IS O.K. to not be friends with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend.. ( My BF Nancy is going to love that I came to that realization). You don't have to be mean about it and you can still be cordial to each other, but if the romantic relationship is really over, it may be more beneficial to severe communication permanently or at least long enough for the healing process to take place.

If you don't know how to start the conversation, you are free to use my line..."I would be a crappy friend to you right now."

Many of us spend too much time holding onto that thing that causes us the most hurt. In the end, the person that returns your love, will hopefully, also be the best friend you need.

Just Friends... Part One

It is always great when you can be around other people that share your common interests. In the dating world, the friends, along with, friendships we have with them, can be our life line and comic relief while we navigate our way towards our romantic ideal. We have guy friends and girl friends. We have our close friends and the friends we see on occasion. There are friends that we share our most intimate secrets with, while others only know us based on occasional encounters. But there is a common theme here. It seems no matter the level in which you know the other person, we refer to each other as friends.

This is how the dictionary describes "friend"-

Noun-A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Verb Add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking Web site.
Synonyms-pal - mate - chum - buddy - comrade - fellow - companion


I think it's important to have a friendship with the person you are dating. I always hear stories about couples who were friends first and ended up becoming romantically involved. I know that one of my best relationships was one were we were best friends first. It's always a good idea to establish a solid base of friendship in any romantic relationship.

Here is where it gets complicated. If you look at the definition, the key phrase states exclusive of sexual and family relations. While I think that you can be friends with your significant other or a family member, being a friend is separate from being a love interest. They work together in the relationship but essentially they have different purposes. Now, the hard part isn't the transition from friendship to romantic love, it's transitioning from romantic love back to friendship. It takes longer.

How many times have you said those words "we're still friends" after hearing a relationship has ended. I've said them many, many times.

A friend is a friend, a buddy, a chum, a pal. Friendship itself is platonic. If you develop romantic feelings, that is separate. Do they work together?... yes, when both individuals want it. But in the case of a break up, in order for a former love interest to go back to being just a friend, there needs to be equality in feelings. If one person is still in love, then the friendship is off balance. It can't be platonic, because one person has expectations for more.

For most platonic friendships, you give equally to each other. You listen to each others problems, you cheer each other up, you want the best for them and the feelings are mutual so it's balanced.

If you have feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way, there is an imbalance and it's hard to maintain unselfish intentions. Trust me, I've been there. My best friend gets upset with me when I tell her I still keep in contact with the guys I dated, where it didn't work out, especially if feelings are lingering from either side. Why? Because she knows that, at some point, feelings will get hurt again through unmet expectations.

If there is a strong physical attraction but neither one wants to pursue a committed relationship, as long as the affection is mutual, you can be friends, though I find they are hard to maintain long term.

So what's the solution? I have a couple. First, be honest with yourself. If you both have feelings that are equal than go for it, be in love, be friends. If you were in a relationship and it didn't work out and they want to stay friends, be o.k. with saying no. I think it's perfectly fine not keep a friendship with an ex-love,if you think there is still an imbalance. If you think time will restore a platonic friendship, then ask for that. A friend seeks for the relationship to be emotionally equal.

The second solution... well if you are tired of saying "just friends", I've given you some replacement terms..


BF- Best Friend
BFF- Best Friend Forever
FWB- Friend with Benefits
AF- Acquaintance Friend
MFF- Mutual Friends, Friend
FWF- Friend with Feelings
FAD- Friend after Dating
PF- Platonic Friends
FHTD- Friends hoping to Date

Texting Rehab.. Top 5 DON'TS for texting and dating

The text conversation went something like this:

Guy: Hey
Me: Hey there, how's it going?
(10 min go by)
Me: Hello?
(5 min go by)
Guy: Hey, yeah things are good.
Me: Great! What have you been up to?
(20 min go by)
Me: ??????
(15 min go)
Me: ??????????!!
Guy: What Up?
Me: WTH??!!!!!!!!!! (I didn't text that, just said it out loud)


The best part about this conversation.... I've had almost the exact same one with several different guys, so claiming ownership of it will prove difficult for them. ;)

If any of you have done this STOP NOW, you come off as an idiot. Sorry to be so brutal, but you sound like a caveman just learning how to speak and we start to think you walk around wearing a loin cloth and carrying a wooden club. And women, if you do this, really not cool.

So here are my 5 Don'ts when texting someone you like:

1. Don't ask someone out for the first time via text- It's tacky and lazy, enough said.

2. Don't have a serious conversation via text- This is something I've had personal experience with and let me tell you, so many things can get misinterpreted when texting a disagreement. How many of us end up with texters' remorse on this one?

3. Don't OVER text- O.k. I admit, I can be guilty of this, but I'm getting so much better! I may have thought, in times past, that texting daily updates, messages or say, travel logs, was innocent and non-threatening to the other person. I may have been wrong about that...But I have learned my lesson.

This really is directed toward those in the beginning of a relationship....hmmmm...well, o.k. maybe at any point in the relationship. If you need to have a conversation that requires in depth feedback from the other person, just call. If they don't respond or return your calls...take the hint.

4. Don't think that texting counts as dating- Dating is an, in person or voice to voice, activity. You can't really get to know a person through texting. Don't think saying "Hey" every few months counts as courting. I know this is the generation for it, but the only way to connect and understand a person is by speaking to them, either on the phone or in person. If you have difficulty with that, marriage will be a huge wake up call. ;)

5. And the number 5 Don't for texting and dating...... DON'T BREAK UP OVER A TEXT!- It's tacky and lazy. I'm mainly addressing this to those of you who have dated the person for awhile. I do approve of quick break- ups via text after a first date, if necessary. The rest of you, have the character to contact the person and be honest with your feelings. It will be painful, maybe more painful to the person breaking up, but it gives the opportunity for both parties to have much needed closure and to move on. Avoid texters' remorse on this one too.


**I hope you see the humor, along with the sincerity, in this. I enjoy texting just as much as anyone, but I enjoy actual conversations even more than that. I am more impressed when a guy calls. Besides, when you hear the voice of someone you like, it's pretty awesome.

Circle of Friends (1995) - PART 3

http://youtu.be/IyPxNVce6ZM


The is follow to the last post.  Had a problem linking it to the last post.  Enjoy.

Erin

Great Expectations.... not so much..

If you thought this was a reference to the Charles Dicken's novel, I'm afraid I have to disappoint. If you thought I would be discussing expectations in the dating world, you won't be disappointed.

I have to confess, I've had some great expectations. In some instances, I've had lots of them. It's hard not to. You grow up hearing lots of advice on what makes a successful relationship. You look at the relationships that influenced your attitudes and behaviors. Over time,expectations form. The funny thing is, I never thought I had any. I didn't think they were considered expectations at all, more like they were part of a universal dating code. Little did I know, having expectations would turn out..not so great.

First, here is a few definitions of what expectation is.

1. The act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. The act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

The definitions don't sound too horrible. Who doesn't like the feeling of anticipation or even more, a prospect of future good or profit. Unfortunately, the definition most common in having expectations is listed at number 1.... waiting.

You know what I am talking about, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the text to show up, waiting for the relationship to start, waiting for the relationship to progress. That sounds like a lot of waiting to me and not necessarily in a "looking forward to" type of way. Expectations have destroyed potential and current relationships because the individual that the expectation is placed on, feels pressure to "make things happen" for the individual placing the expectation.

In order to understand this better, I tried to consider how I would feel if my family always expected me to be in a good mood, or if my friends expected me to know the exact moment they needed an encouraging word from me. I would be annoyed if my boyfriend expected me to look perfect all the time and never have a bad day. I would feel like a failure if my friends and family expected me to say or do the right thing constantly. I would feel like the worst daughter if my parents expected me to call or text them everyday, cause it just ain't happenin'. And it's not because I don't love...it just means I'm human.

So if we don't want these expectations placed on us by our loved ones, why do we put them on those we date or want to date?

I think years of perfect endings in movies, quotes we read describing what a perfect companion should do, well intended advice from girl friends and guy friends, have led us to form great expectations..well more like, not so great expectations.

I can't tell you how many times I have been disappointed by unfulfilled expectations. It feels awful and 99% of the time, I have myself to blame because I created them unbeknownst to the guy.

In the movie "Circle of Friends" Minnie Driver is falling for the leading man Chris O' Donnell. In one scene Chris's character invites Minnie's character to a dance. Minnie's friends set her up with the expectation that since Chris invited her to the dance personally, she should feel special. Minnie Driver gets all dolled up and shows up with the expectation that Chris wants to only dance with her. Well, Chris begins by asking her friend to dance, then another friend and then he asks another girl, all while Minnie is sitting in a booth waiting for him to ask her. As the scene continues, Minnie is progressively getting angrier and more disappointed and feeling crushed. She finally gets fed up and is ready to leave the dance. At that moment, Chris comes up to her and asks her why she is leaving. Minnie, in tears at this point, tells him that she is leaving because it seems he doesn't want to be with her, to which he replies, "I always save the best for last" and he asks her to dance the final dance.

When I first saw this scene, I thought a lot like Minnie did...Chris is a jerk. I expected the same thing she did. Funny how that is. Anyway, looking back at it, if she had gone to the dance with the attitude that she was going to enjoy the evening no matter what, she wouldn't have been so miserable most of the night.

So that's my advice and what I am going to work on doing, having the attitude to enjoy the moment, no matter what. If they call back, text back, like me back, that would be cool but not the expectation. I'm sure it will take some time to get out of the expectation habit, but if he plans on saving me as "the best for last" I have lots of time to practice. ;)

REJECTION..... Thank you!!!

I experienced my first rejection in the 4th grade. He was handsome, blond and had super cute dimples. It seemed that no matter how much I tried to get his attention, he wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship (sound familiar). I thought a lot about what exactly he was looking for (no really, I did) and secretly envied the girls he did give his attentions to. I couldn't figure out what it was that made him talk to the blond or the girl with the wavy curls, but it was quite heartbreaking to watch.

Over the years, I would continue to experience the heartbreak of rejection along with having the difficulty of rejecting guys that fancied me. The interesting part to this, is that, I accepted my own reasons behind rejecting someone but couldn't accept the reasons I was given when I was dumped. This inability to establish a connection between these two statements has been the source of much grief.

Enter in "The Bachelor." When this show first came out, I was pulled in by the fairytale premise like the rest of America. Who wouldn't be glued to a show where you saw the handsome bachelor (prince) seek out his true love (princess) and live happily ever after. But unlike the fairytales, where there is just one to choose from, in this show there were 25. Enter in....REJECTION.

In order for this bachelor to get to his true love he has to reject all the others along the way. It is this element of the show that I think draws in viewers. Each week we saw beautiful, smart, successful, perfect bodied women, pour out their hearts in admiration and love for this guy in one scene and then pour out their hearts in pain when he kicked them off in another scene.

I don't know about you, but watching this take place season after season soon became the therapy I needed to really understand rejection and be grateful for it.

You see, most of these women, in regular surroundings, are probably pretty great. Physically, there are few that wouldn't turn a head. They can hold conversations, they seem to be fun and intelligent. So if that's the case, how does this guy pick one???

That's the secret, who the hell knows why he chooses who he chooses, but he does find one girl through this whole process that gives him the feelings or has the physical qualities he is looking for to make him want to commit.....well commit for a short time...

Here's the lesson learned here. We are attracted to who we are attracted to (think Jake and Vienna, I mean, come on!) Some of us focus solely on physical attributes, others focus on personal characteristics the person has and then some of us like a little of both. It would be great if there was some basic standard to attraction, but I don't think there is. We may be attracted those that are similar to us or we can be attracted to the opposite. Either way, if the person you are interested in rejects you, you no longer have to feel like you were lacking in something, you can now thank them. You have no control over it, either you have what they like or you don't. Just like when you are choosing someone, you like those qualities that make you all giddy inside. It goes both ways. I mean we all can't be attracted to each other, good grief, that would be chaotic.

It's time to be grateful that you were rejected. You don't have to wait by the phone hoping they will call and miss other opportunities. It means that you don't have to change to fit into anyone's ideal. Your personality is waiting to be appreciated by someone else. You no longer have to spend your time being anxious about whether or not you are enough, because you are already. Look at how many of the bachelorettes go on to find their perfect match after their rejections (Trista and Ryan (Ryan is way hotter too)

So if you find yourself in that moment of getting rejected, just remember the title of this blog, it's not me, it's you and give them a big THANK YOU!!!!

What Machu Picchu can teach you about dating

I climbed a really big mountain last week. It was harder than I expected. There were moments that I just wanted to turn around and be done, but I didn't. I kept going up (straight, straight up) until I finally reached my destination.

There I was looking out at the most spectacular view, hardly anyone around, and all I could think about was "where is my damn camera?"

Yup, I had no device to record this religious moment I was experiencing with this mountain. My heart just sank when I realized that I would not be able to capture the beauty I was seeing. I was frustrated for not keeping my camera with me and was getting caught up in disappointment that I felt, for not being able to have proof of my accomplishment.

It was in that moment, when the light bulb in my head went off. I was at the top of Machu Picchu, looking down at the most undeniably magnificent wonder of the world, a place that millions of people may never see and I'm worried about taking the perfect picture?

I quickly sat down on a rock and took a deep breath in. I thought that since I didn't have a camera, I would take mental images of what I was seeing and savor the feelings they were bringing to me. It began working. The frustration over not having my camera was replaced by this feeling of joy. It was a life changing moment. I came to the conclusion that I was responsible for creating magic moments in my life. I have a choice to embrace opportunities and gifts that are placed before me.

If I continued to fester inside about this small detail, o.k. maybe no camera isn't small, but if I let it consume me then I would have missed this most precious moment.

Now, you all may be wondering what this has to do with dating and relationships, but it really does correlate.

There are times, I find, that I get too focused on what I may be missing rather than opening my eyes to what is before me already.

It's easy to feel like being in a romantic relationship is the only way to obtain an all encompassing joy, but the reality is, the joy is already there for you to experience and embrace and it doesn't require that you have someone with you in order to fully relish in it.

I think the quote "You complete me," from the movie Jerry Maquire is pretty classic, but to me, it's a misrepresentation of what would really bring you contentment. It's easy to feel like having a boyfriend or girlfriend may some how validate who you are, but if you focus too much on obtaining that, you miss out on what is already obtainable.

I like the idea of completing myself through my talents, goals and dreams. The only person I need to prove things to is, me, myself and I. I don't need to have a boyfriend to have a fulfilling life.

It would have been great to have photos of the lush mountains and all, but the images and feelings associated with them are forever cemented in my memory.... and lucky for me, it won't need to be downloaded.

Happy Valentines Day

I need to start this off by admitting something....I like Valentines Day. I have to admit it feels great when you are knee deep in love with someone and want to spend hours spelling out "I LOVE YOU" with shaving cream, oreos and gummy bears, on their car. It doesn't even matter if you have someone special in mind, the universe has given everyone permission to be absolutely and unapologetically cheesy and gushy for one whole day, and be rewarded for it!! I love it!

Just remember it's not a big deal if you don't have a "special someone," just like it's not a big deal if you're not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day. The world won't end and you are still lovable. Go give your mom or dad a hug, or go hug your pet. Even more fun...go give that cute stranger a big kiss on the cheek..... wait, ok, maybe avoid anything that could get you arrested.

Have a HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

I know I will.... ;)

Subtle Hints that are actually.. Quite Obvious

"Rejection is only damaging when you start believing you are not complete" Iyanla Vanzant



I actually had another blog post topic in mind but I have plans to spend more time on it, so this will just be a quickie... guys will most likely be ok with that. ;)

The post idea came to me while watching "The Bachelor." To be honest, lots of blog post ideas swirl through my head when I watch the Bachelor, but here are just some things that I want to share.

When it comes to how we love, we may profess that it is so complicated and we try to reason with it. Guess what, love is love. You can't reason with it. Love can get skewed for some individuals, based on their relationships growing up or experiences in life, but for the most part people know when they feel real love. That brings me to my next comments. When a person feels genuine love, and I'm not talking lusting or obsession, I'm talking real love, they want to make sure not to let it go. So let me give you obvious realities to some hints you may or may not see. You have probably have heard them before and your well intended friends have probably told you to not worry about them, but I am going to say, if you identify with any of this.....Worry about it.

1. If the guy or girl you are "dating" doesn't post pictures of you and acknowledge you in a public way.... there is a reason, they know it's short term. Yes there are people who don't participate in media outlets but it doesn't matter. People who are truly into you are talking about you to their friends, family, neighbors, pets, you name it, they want people to know how great you are. A huge, wake up and leave now, is when the person asks you not to post pictures on media sites that were taken of the two of you. At that point, they just want to make sure their other prospects are not diminished from seeing those pics and assuming exclusivity.

2. If you are constantly getting excuses that they can't see you or spend time with you, guess what, you are short term. I knew a couple who each had 5 kids from previous marriages and the man owned his own busines, they liked each other, and you know what.. they made time to be with one another. If you are only getting a few hours every other week, the person is just bored and wants companionship.

3. If they pull the "I'm not ready" card on you super early or when they feel you want more, that is obvious, masking in subtlety. This comment is going to be directed to the ladies because I have learned from experience, if you aren't exclusive after 6 months, chances are you will never be. If the guy begs to have you back, they can have you back... exclusively. Trust me on this. It is ok to date for a year or more but it should be on an exclusive basis. If a guy or girl wants you, they aren't going to risk letting you go and someone else snatching you. If a person is exploring their options, they are dating several individuals on a regular basis. When they find that they want to pursue you more, they will let go of the "other options." That is what love does.

4. If they hide things from you, if they encourage you to date other people, if they are still on all the dating websites (active status).... They don't want to be with you!!!!

Are there instances when the opposite of all these is true, sure, at about the same percentage that I will get chicken pox again.

We know love, it makes us feel great and confident. A person who truly loves and wants to be with you will want to do things that make you happy and you will want to do the same for them. When you love someone, you tell them and show them, even when it's hard.

I have been in love before and let me tell you, I was never jealous of him talking to other girls because I knew you loved me back. He was good to me and sweet and he wanted everyone to know how much he loved me.

Now you can continue to tell yourself that your person is "different" and that you just need to keep being patient and sacrificing your needs and wants, because they will come to their senses eventually....um nope... hardly happens. In fact, you are free to test out anything I have said by walking away from the misery right now and seeing what happens. If I am wrong, I'll buy you a cupcake.

Just think about it. If you are in a yo-yo relationship, get out, do some soul searching, become confident in who you are and realize you deserve to be loved in the best way. Don't shackle yourself to an individual in the hopes they change their mind, we all know what happened with the Mayan calendar prediction.... hint hint.

Erin's top 5 Do's in Dating

So I promised I would follow through with the Do's list since I already covered Don'ts. I am always happy to hear what you would suggest as well, so feel free to post your Do's.

1. Do pick up and use the device called a PHONE to ask for a date

I think it is funny how some people can meet, text, set up a date via text and go on a first date without even speaking to each other ahead of time. And we wonder why human communication in relationships has declined. Look, it's just as nerve racking as it was 50 years ago to ask someone out, but be an adult and pick up the phone and call, you're going to have to eventually speak to the person anyway, might as well get a head start. Besides, I think it's hot when a guy calls to ask for a date. Even hotter when they call because they want to get to know you better. This goes for ladies and gentlemen.

2. Do make sure you are honest from the beginning

Probably a good idea to mention if you are still dating someone else, or let's say still married or even better, have a warrant out for your arrest... ha you think I'm kidding on that last one. Many of you will think this is a given, but I have heard lots of stories and have had experiences myself regarding this. I don't think it's necessary to divulge all details of your life in one or two sittings but be upfront with who you are, let the person make a decision based on the truth, you never know what will happen, but you can be guaranteed what will happen if you lie.

3. Do be respectful from the beginning

I think this is a huge thing. In this current dating culture, we seem to no longer have respect in dating. This goes both ways. As women, we need to be respectful that a guy has had the courage to ask us out, we should respond in a timely manner, whether it's a yes or no. I have been guilty of this myself, so lesson is being learned here too. I also think that guys should stop freaking out so much about going on a date with a girl over "hanging out." RELAX, YOU DON'T NOT HAVE TO MARRY ANYONE YOU DON'T WANT TO!! It shows much more respect when you take the time to call and to make the other person feel like you want to spend time with them. We have screwed up the way dating should be and we wonder why we all hate it so much.

4. Do follow through

I think we can all agree that things happen and our lives are busy, there are lots of single parents and well life gets away from us sometimes, but if you say you are going to call, CALL, if you can't call, say you can't call or don't say you will call in the first place if you know you really won't call. NO ONE has you strapped to an electric calling chair!! It's not going to kill you to call. My biggest follow through issue is those that say they want to take me out, but never actually follow through, I'd prefer you never mention it to me in this first place, if you have no plans to follow through. When your ready, get the number and then follow through. Just a thought folks.

5. Do commit to something good

I'm sure,for some, bamboo shoved underneath your fingernails sounds more enticing then the thought of having to commit to someone. Let me clarify, I think you should commit to something good. It may be for a short time but if two people like each other and enjoy spending time with one another, why screw it up and throw half a dozen other people into the mix, or worse, end it because your freaked out that there could be someone else, out there, who has 2 more things in common with you and you need to give them a chance. We are so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings but we hurt them more by draggging them through the "dating" pool. I'm not saying commit to everyone and it's o.k. to just date, but if you meet someone you think is great, be o.k. with focusing on each other a little longer, you may find that they are just what you needed and wanted. If you realize that you don't see a future with the other person, tell them, but give something good, a chance first. Remember, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARRY ANYONE YOU DON'T WANT TO.


And because it's Super Bowl Sunday:

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."

Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

My Top 5 list of Don'ts in Dating

I could share more like 50 don'ts in the the dating world, mainly because I have probably done them all at one point or another, but I like to keep a little mystery going so I will keep it to 5.

1. Don't post your feelings about a guy on Social Media sites until there is a ring.

Some time ago I met a guy online who was seriously handsome. After some time of chatting back and forth, he asked me out. I felt a wee bit overwhelmed going into the date, but I figured I could match his attractiveness with my cute factor and great sense of humor.. ;) So fast forward and we are on the date. The date is going really well in my eyes and we are getting along fabulously. As the date concluded I felt pretty comfortable that we had both had enjoyed the evening and a second date would follow. I said goodbye and went into my apartment excited to talk to my roommates about my evening. After talking to them, I did what any giddy female would do.... I posted that I had a great time on my Facebook status.


Many of you will read this and think the same thing that I did...what's the harm in posting that you had a good time? Well, come to find out from the guy himself that after seeing that, he got nervous about asking me out again. WT?!! Serious? I was perplexed and sought some understanding and to my surprise, it seems my "innocent" statement of having fun made him feel like I was too eager. So, to this day, while I personally don't see what the big deal was, I am going to go with his response and say, keep your elations to yourself in the beginning.



2. Don't think you are in a commited exclusive relationship after one or even two dates.

I was having a conversation with a guy about this particular topic. He said that he hated dating because he felt women expected him to make a decision about how he felt about them within 2 weeks of meeting. He said it was ridiculous and way too much pressure. I have to agree with him on this, but let's face it, there is a huge majority of us who have done just that. I know you could all share stories of meeting someone and having a great connection and thinking, why do we need to look any further...we found each other!! Well it seems like this is a huge don't, no matter how electric the first or even second meeting is. The key here is take it slowly. If it was meant to be, taking your time can only be to your benefit.

3. Don't share EVERYTHING about yourself too soon.

It can be a little overwhelming to an individual to hear your entire life story including family feuds, medical history and any other intimate details, during the initial phase of dating. I'm not saying that they should never be shared, but baby steps people, baby steps.

4. Don't feel entitled to know the schedule or whereabouts of the person you just met.

I know that we all risk getting hurt when we put our emotions on the table. I also know that we eventually want to be able to trust the person we are in a relationship with. But that is the key, we should first be in an exclusive relationship before we start quizzing each other on who they were talking to on the phone with all night. A good friend told me that trust isn't something that is automatic. If he wants a girl to trust him, he will be trusting and make sure that she feels she can trust him, but only when he wants to be exclusive. I tend to agree with him on that. Just going out with someone once doesn't mean they should stop talking to every other guy and girl. Wait till there is a mutual agreement.

5. And finally, don't assume that because you have been on a couple dates, that you are Dating.

This one is a biggie and I'm afraid, I have broken a few times...hey I'm learning this stuff too! Anyway, I have come to realize that we automatically say we are dating someone when it is still in the early stages, thus confusing yourself and those around you. Let me define, if you are dating someone, you and the other person are either exclusive or on the road to exclusivity, otherwise, you should just state that you two have gone out (insert amount of times here). I know it is exciting to be able to tell friends and family that you are dating someone, but once again, there should be a mutual agreement in place.

So there you have it, Erin's Top 5 Don'ts. So what are some of your don'ts? I would love to hear your stories.

Next up... Top 5 Do's in Dating..

Pretty People Deserve Love Too

I love the movie The Holiday, with Kate Winslet, Jude Law etc. I remember watching it for the first time and relating to Kate Winslet's character. In Kate's introductory scene we learn she is in love with one of her co-workers. He is handsome. successful and charming, who wouldn't fall for that? After their flirtatious interaction during the company party, the boss calls all employees in for an announcement, Kate's crush just got engaged to a the perfect girl, beautiful, skinny, long hair etc. It is a bit painful to watch and we see Kate's face and know she is completely devasted. We automatically hate the guy and his new fiance.

Now Kate Winslet is not horrid looking, in fact, she is beautiful, but the new fiance to this guy is stunning. If you notice, in movies where someone cheats or moves on with another person, that person is usually young, physcally fit and gorgeous. As an audience, we almost always end up hating that young, physically fit and gorgeous person right?

So I've thought about this a lot in the past years. I often wonder if good looking people get a bad rap. Now this isn't a discussion on what we consider attractive and unattractive, I'll save that for another post. This is to discuss a lot of stigma attached to physically attracive people.

I'll be honest, I'm made misguided assumptions about pretty girls. I have thought, on occasion, that if a guy is dating a beautiful girl, he is only attracted to her looks. I realize that the probability of me being spot on in this assumption is high...but... what if she is really sweet, loving, intelligent and fun? If a girl is dating a hot guy, does that mean he isn't funny, humble and kind? Don't they both deserve love?

Haven't we all been in a situation where you wanted to hate someone attractive but they were really cool and great to be around?

I have been in the position several times of having the "Hot Friend". The friend that all the guys want to date and when you walk into a room with her, they forget you exist. It can be tough, but if I became friends with the gorgeous girl in the first place, there were great qualities present that I liked and admired about that person.

I see this with guys too, the hot guy and his buddy. For all we know, the hot guy could be a saint!

I hate to admit it, but women are the worst. Judgements about other women are made constantly, based on looks. If they are attractive, they must be jerks or lack intelligence. I mean they can't be good looking and be a decent human being..can they? ;)

Through my personal experiences, I do better now at refraining from deciding ahead of time what a person is like. I also feel better about myself when I recognize the awesome qualities and gifts another person has aside from their looks. Pretty people need friends too, you know!

So instead of dissin' all the pretty people, I say get to know who they truly are.. and if it so happens that they turn out to be self-absorbed, jerky, ignorant idiots, then you have my permission to delete them from your Facebook friends.

How the Muppets ruined my relationship

In elementary school there was a boy who had a crush on me. He was tall (ok, everyone is tall to me) handsome and funny, there was just one little dilemma....He had a huge fascination with The Muppets. I'm not talking about just liking the show, he had actual muppet puppets. He did impersonations (his favorite was Fozzy the Bear), knew muppet facts, I mean, this kid LOVED the Muppets.

In the beginning I wasn't too keen on Muppet boy, but over time, he won me over with his humor, outgoing personality and charm. Soon we were liking each other. I found myself more interested in the muppets as well and was watching the show in order to familarize myself with the characters.

When you crush on someone, who want to be able to enjoy the things they enjoy. It's not just an adult thing, for I found myself wanting to learn all about the muppets, just to keep that connection with the boy.

Well, Muppet boy would occasionally put on little skits at our school assembly. On one occasion he asked me if I would help him. You can imagine my excitement I felt, when given the opportunity to finally handle one of his puppets and to be on stage side by side performing the skit together. How romantic is that!

Well this was the beginning to the end. I had no idea how intense his hobby (obsession) was until we started practicing. It was almost as if these puppets were real people. You had to handle them a certain way, there was a way in which they moved that had to be exact and don't get me started on the Muppet voices!!

His desire for a perfect performance soon began to spoil any excitment I had of sharing the spotlight with him. I started to hate the Muppets. No longer were they cute and fun. They became more and more annoying and childish. My crush was slowing being crushed.

I couldn't stand how he couldn't get through a day without talking like one of the characters or talking about the show. I was thinking of ways to bow out of the performance, but I didn't.

I went through with the Muppet skit. I know I wasn't as enthusiastic about it as he was. After the skit was over, well we were over too. We drifted apart. The Muppet love was over.

I look back on that from time to time and wonder how it could have been different. Even though that took place quite some time ago, that same scenario has occured over and over again in my relationships.

I am all for being open minded to new experiences, but that doesn't mean we have to engulf ourselves with the same hobbies of those we are dating. Naturally, we are going to have similarities that draw us together, but we should also embrace the differences and be ok with allowing the individual to engage in those hobbies..... alone.

It wasn't Muppet boy's love of the Muppets that killed the relationship, it was his need to have me feel the same way, that started the demise. I also realize that I was 10 years old and really wasn't equipped with the communication skills to take a stand or express what I wanted.

So while the Muppets ruined that immature, elementary crush, it taught me a lesson. One, you can't control the things people like. Second, it's o.k. to appreciate bits and pieces of these talents and hobbies without feeling a need to love them to the same degree. And finally, it's ok to say no if you don't want to play with a hand puppet.

I got over my anger against the Muppets over time, I even love the Muppet Christmas Carol, but please, whatever you do... don't ask me to impersonate Miss Piggy.

The "Code"

My friend and I were having a conversation the other day about relationships and break ups. As we were talking, he brought up the "Code". Now I don't know about you, but every time I hear that word, I think of Jack Nicholson yelling at Tom Cruise that he can't handle the truth.

In relationships, the same statement may be true. First, let's define it, (Erin's definition). The code refers to refraining from flirting or seeking a relationship from someone who your friend has been involved with or is interested in. The code conversation came up because I was explaining to my friend how I had just set up one of girlfriends with my ex. He listening to my reasoning and then explained that he didn't think he would be cool with one of his friends getting together with his ex. He felt like the code should be followed, out of respect for your friend...but I disagreed on some points.

I agree that if your friend is beginning to date someone or has established a relationship, then trying to tap in on that is just bad manners, but calling "dibs" on someone or stating ownership of your crush seems immature and ridiculous. I use myself as an example...I had a crush on a guy a while back and felt all giddy being around him, as luck would have it, on one occasion, I invited my beautiful friend to come hangout with me at a mutual event that this guy was at. As I got even luckier...he fell hard for my friend. I admit I was seriously annoyed and quite jealous about this and didn't want to bring her to anything else. But there was a problem, she was a great girl. He had every reason to like her. The worst part was she wasn't doing anything to encourage it so it made it even harder to be mad at her.

After a couple months passed, I finally let go of trying to change his mind or prevent her from speaking to him. As it turned out, she wasn't interested in him enough to want to pursue anything, and I am still friends with the guy (still crushin a bit too). So this is what I learned. We can't control who other people are attracted to or fall in love with. Even if their choice is a bad one, it's their choice. In my opinion (and you can disagree), when we set up a "code" we feed into our own insecurities. I can't tell you how many relationships have been ruined by this. I'm afraid I have been guilty of this on occasion. Just like Jack Nicholson stated to Tom.."you can't handle the truth,", many of us just can't handle the truth that our crush isn't returning the love. It takes a lot of courage to admit that and to move on from it.

One final story to think about, back in my twenties, I had a great group of friends I hungout with all the time. There was a girl who was dating one of the guys and they were a couple. Then the guy moved away for awhile and told his best friend to look out after his girlfriend. Well you can probably guess what happened, the best friend and his girlfriend fell in love. I am sure it was painful, but the guy and the girl ended up getting married and are still together some 15 + years later with 3 kids. So it really can be hard to make a concrete judgement. This is of course, the opinion according to Erin, so I am curious as to what all my single friends think about the "Code." Do you think it should be followed strictly, Do you think there are gray areas?

You did What?!

I recently set up the man I was in love with for two years, with one of my girlfriends. I can hear the faint gasps from those of you wondering why I would do such a thing, so let me explain.

Back in high school, my best friend at the time began dating a super cute guy. Now they didn't actually go out much because he lived in a different city 3 hours away. I was the supportive best friend and encouraged the courtship, like all good friends do. Well fast forward a couple years, my best friend was no longer dating this guy and while having a conversation one day, she tells me that he has a crush on me and has had one for a long time.

I am a bit shocked but excited at the same time. I always thought he was cute and sweet and to find out that he was digging on me gave me goosebumps! So I asked her permission to write him. That turned into a 5 year romance.

Well a couple years ago I met a really cool guy and fell hard. I would have probably married him in a heartbeat if it weren't for one small issue....he wasn't in love with me. So I did what lots of us hopeful romantics do, I stayed friends with him thinking that eventually he would see how awesome I was and change his mind. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, instead we became really good friends, and while it was hard at times because my feelings were strong, I finally received closure that it wasn't meant to be.

Now during this time that I have known him, there were moments that I thought my friend Betty (name changed, of course) would be a good match for him. I never mentioned it to him though because what girl wants to put herself through that emotional cliff dive. But during a conversation I was having with him recently, I found myself bringing her name up. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined, and he was excited for the chance to go out with her. It was interesting how easy it was to tell him about all the reasons I had for wanting to set them up. I felt like an adult, it was cool.

Now, I am not saying that the way to get over your ex is to go out and set him up with your bestie and I'm not condoning individuals in exclusive relationships do be dishonest or cheat, but I also don't think I have a right to prevent two people from meeting each other just because it may be uncomfortable for me for awhile. If he loved me, he wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Maybe this is crazy thinking, but I kinda like the idea of the man I'm in love with feeling the exact same way about me. Besides, if this does work out between the two of them...they promised to name their first born after me.

Dating 101

I remember when I couldn’t wait to date. Now, instead of going about the process of securing a date for Friday night, I would rather schedule a root canal…without the laughing gas. So what’s changed? The increase in ways we meet people through media outlets has made finding a good match nearly impossible. If an individual is lucky enough to find a decent match, the simple exercise of dating has become so complex, it requires a doctorate to degree to navigate all the do’s and don’ts of datingdom in order to get your happily ever after.


The list of to do's reads like a recipe card. You need 1/4 cup of manners, 1/2 cup of stability and ambition, 1 cup of humor and a dash of common sense. Mix them all together and you could create a sane individual worth getting to know.

But this is 2013, and dating is no longer as easy as seeing someone, striking up a conversation and setting up a time to go out. There are hundreds of dating websites to browse and profiles to critque. It makes me a little uneasy to think that someone could know most of my personal history even before speaking a word to me.

We have been given free reign to judge, crticize and admire people based on something they say in a 1000 words or less.

So why do we put ourselves through all of this? Well, that's easy...because Love feels wonderful!

When you are in love, everything and everyone looks great and all is well in the world. I always know when someone is in love, because they love the whole world and want everyone else to love the whole world like they do. That is what love does.

So how do we all find that special someone that will give us those types of feelings without having to enter dating rehab?

Well, that is what I am here for. This blog is going to be the key to finding that someone and having a fun time on that journey.

I want you to share your stories...the good, the bad, the ugly. Share your advice and experience because that is what I plan on doing. I want us to laugh, cry and stir the pot. Let's get honest.

The saying goes that it takes a village to raise a child......I think it's going to take a village to find that special someone.....so time to get started.

About Me

So tell me about yourself? It's the most common line we use in the world of dating, but also the
most difficult to answer, for many of us. I've had to write quite a few papers about myself and my
personality, so here is a basic “about me” that I've come up with.

I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a best friend, a student, a writer, a dreamer, a motivator and
creative thinker. I love exploring, which contributes to my love of traveling. I love to find places that
people don't visit much. I think you can find something unique about anywhere you go. I challenge
myself constantly. I love all kinds of movies. I have a secret talent for being able to link 2 actors within
6 degrees or less. I love to dance and could dance for hours. I believe I am here to help people in one
way or another. I think I give good advice. My family is the greatest and we have a blast when we are all
together. My nieces and nephews are some of the coolest and funniest people I know. I love chocolate.
I love being girly and quirky. I am dependable. I’m smarter than I look. I love wrap around porches
and weeping willows. I can play any sport (whether I'm fantastic at it, is another story). I can be quite
adorable when I want to. I'm single, which gives me lots of great insight for this blog. I think wisdom
along with knowledge is better than knowledge alone. I love non-fiction books. I think everyone,
including myself, has a great story to tell. I love asking questions. I think there is a lesson found in
every mistake. I love a good debate, but when I am wrong, I’ll admit it. I am a hopeful romantic. I
think intelligence and humor are sexy. I’ll never stop setting and achieving goals. I love to change my
style, but will always be most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans. In an emergency, you would want me
around. I don’t dream of being famous, I dream of making a difference in peoples’ lives.